Lubna gave Amir the shoe box with Pebble and the pen.
“What do I do if Pebble misses you?” asked Amir.
“Draw the smile back on,” said Lubna.
And what do I do if I miss you?”
“Tell Pebble all about it,” Lubna said.
Amir nodded and held the shoe box tight.
from Lubna and Pebble
written by Wendy Meddour
illustrated by Daniel Egnéus
Dial Books for Young Readers, 2019
The older I get, the more I understand my mom as a truly moral person. She taught me not to judge anyone before I walked a mile in their shoes. She was wise, too, wise enough to explain that lofty and difficult concept to my very young self in a way I could understand.
That, I think, is the foundation of empathy. From Greater Good Magazine, a publication of UC-Berkeley, “empathy is the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.”
Though there is a genetic component to empathy, our capacity can be enhanced or diminished, depending on our childhood experiences and relationships. Infants sense their caregivers’ emotions and often mirror them. Remember those big, gummy grins?
Helen Riess, director of the Empathy and Relational Science Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, developed a training approach based on research and the neurobiology and physiology of empathy to enhance doctor-patient relationships.
She saw a decline in that relationship, especially since she noticed an uptick in her own patients’ reporting of feeling unheard, unseen, and even dismissed during their own medical appointments. She knew that we humans are hard-wired for empathy. She thought that if empathy was on the wane, there must be a way to enhance it. She’s devoted her career to finding ways to help us learn how to get back our empathy.
Through her own research and experiments, she discovered some useful tips, for doctors, and the rest of us, too.. They conveniently spell out the word EMPATHY.
1. Eye contact releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. By meeting someone’s gaze, human bonds are formed and enhanced. One way to make this a conscious effort is to note the eye color of the person you’re talking with (without staring at them, of course!).
2. Motor mimicry usually occurs on an unconscious level. But if you’re trying to teach someone to be more empathetic, or become more empathetic yourself, pay attention to how you react when you’re in conversation with someone.
3. Notice if your postures match. Are you both sitting? standing? looking alert?
4. Affect. Can you name the emotion someone is feeling by “reading” their body language?
5. More is “said” with our Tone of Voice than our actual words, 85% more according to Riess. Listeners need to “tune in” to their conversations.
6. Hear the whole person, what’s being said, and what isn’t. Ask questions.
7. Your response is the personal inventory you ask yourself to determine how it’s going and how or if to continue the conversation, relationship, or meeting.
Empathy in children and adults is also developed by reading, especially fiction. According to Lisa Cron in Story Genius (Ten Speed Press, 2016), “[s]tories instill meaning directly into our belief system the same way experience does—not by telling us what is right, but allowing us to feel it ourselves.” She quotes from Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard psychology professor, “[i]ndeed, feelings don’t just matter, they are what mattering means.”
Of course, like life itself, empathy is a balancing act. Becoming too immersed in others can be a detriment to ourselves.
Empathy is different from caring, compassion, or kindness. All are important for a healthy society to work for everyone. But we can understand, sympathize, and help others without becoming overwhelmed by empathy. Doing for and with others, not only thinking about their plight, matters most to a sustainable community.
Like Mom also taught me, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
Turning our empathy into intention and action is good for us, good for our family members, and good for our communities.
In 13Ways to Say Goodbye by Kate Fussner (HarperCollins/Children’s Books/HarperCollins Publishers, 2025), Nina learns to forge her own identity as she grieves the loss of her older sister. It’s a novel in verse, full of emotion without being sappy. Recommended.
Be curious! (and sew kindness)
“What do I do if Pebble misses you?” asked Amir.
“Draw the smile back on,” said Lubna.
And what do I do if I miss you?”
“Tell Pebble all about it,” Lubna said.
Amir nodded and held the shoe box tight.
from Lubna and Pebble
written by Wendy Meddour
illustrated by Daniel Egnéus
Dial Books for Young Readers, 2019
The older I get, the more I understand my mom as a truly moral person. She taught me not to judge anyone before I walked a mile in their shoes. She was wise, too, wise enough to explain that lofty and difficult concept to my very young self in a way I could understand.
That, I think, is the foundation of empathy. From Greater Good Magazine, a publication of UC-Berkeley, “empathy is the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.”
Though there is a genetic component to empathy, our capacity can be enhanced or diminished, depending on our childhood experiences and relationships. Infants sense their caregivers’ emotions and often mirror them. Remember those big, gummy grins?
Helen Riess, director of the Empathy and Relational Science Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, developed a training approach based on research and the neurobiology and physiology of empathy to enhance doctor-patient relationships.
She saw a decline in that relationship, especially since she noticed an uptick in her own patients’ reporting of feeling unheard, unseen, and even dismissed during their own medical appointments. She knew that we humans are hard-wired for empathy. She thought that if empathy was on the wane, there must be a way to enhance it. She’s devoted her career to finding ways to help us learn how to get back our empathy.
Through her own research and experiments, she discovered some useful tips, for doctors, and the rest of us, too.. They conveniently spell out the word EMPATHY.
1. Eye contact releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. By meeting someone’s gaze, human bonds are formed and enhanced. One way to make this a conscious effort is to note the eye color of the person you’re talking with (without staring at them, of course!).
2. Motor mimicry usually occurs on an unconscious level. But if you’re trying to teach someone to be more empathetic, or become more empathetic yourself, pay attention to how you react when you’re in conversation with someone.
3. Notice if your postures match. Are you both sitting? standing? looking alert?
4. Affect. Can you name the emotion someone is feeling by “reading” their body language?
5. More is “said” with our Tone of Voice than our actual words, 85% more according to Riess. Listeners need to “tune in” to their conversations.
6. Hear the whole person, what’s being said, and what isn’t. Ask questions.
7. Your response is the personal inventory you ask yourself to determine how it’s going and how or if to continue the conversation, relationship, or meeting.
Empathy in children and adults is also developed by reading, especially fiction. According to Lisa Cron in Story Genius (Ten Speed Press, 2016), “[s]tories instill meaning directly into our belief system the same way experience does—not by telling us what is right, but allowing us to feel it ourselves.” She quotes from Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard psychology professor, “[i]ndeed, feelings don’t just matter, they are what mattering means.”
Of course, like life itself, empathy is a balancing act. Becoming too immersed in others can be a detriment to ourselves.
Empathy is different from caring, compassion, or kindness. All are important for a healthy society to work for everyone. But we can understand, sympathize, and help others without becoming overwhelmed by empathy. Doing for and with others, not only thinking about their plight, matters most to a sustainable community.
Like Mom also taught me, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
Turning our empathy into intention and action is good for us, good for our family members, and good for our communities.
In 13Ways to Say Goodbye by Kate Fussner (HarperCollins/Children’s Books/HarperCollins Publishers, 2025), Nina learns to forge her own identity as she grieves the loss of her older sister. It’s a novel in verse, full of emotion without being sappy. Recommended.
Be curious! (and sew kindness)
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